Chapter I: The Desire to Know
It was like a whisper that lands upon one’s eardrum but instead it was softly pressing against my lower back. I lay on the
bed in my Fruit of the Looms with the white elastic and the fine blue stripe; as the pressing got stronger and stronger, I felt
myself gain consciousness from a deep sleep gasping for air. As I opened my eyes I could feel a final thrust and a warm
liquid substance land on my back. The room was cooled by the gentle wind blowing past the sound of fluttering curtains
hanging from the open window near the bed.
There were arms above my shoulders and the smell of sweat wafting past my face turned to the side, as I lay there still and
stiff. Oh so gently did a soft fabric wipe the warm liquid off my back and I see a cotton T-shirt drop out of a hand on to the floor
beside the bed. The activity caused my body to tremble for I did not understand what was happening. The lace curtained
French doors of the den were open before me as I lifted my head. A radio advertisement for Bold laundry detergent came from
another room in the apartment and faded as a figure disappeared through the doors taking my innocence with it.
As I pushed upwards on my hands, I saw a Miller High Life sign displayed across the top shelf above the French doors. In
front of the sign was an old rotating ironing machine. I rose from the single bed and moved closer to the doors, slowly turning
the knob of the French door and entering the living room, afraid of what might be in the next room. The figure was not there and
as I passed through the living room and entered the hallway, the memory ends.
This is the earliest memory I have of it. My desire to know about the event was developing, but I did not know at the time
what it all meant. When I recall the memory I feel like I am dreaming. Remembering my childhood physically puts me in a
dream state, a condition therapists call dissociation. Sometimes the memories are triggered by the least little thing and return
to me in a flash when I least expect them. When they do, it feels like a revelation that helps me understand my life…
Copyright © 2004 by Bernard Amador, MA, ABD. All rights reserved.
It was like a whisper that lands upon one’s eardrum but instead it was softly pressing against my lower back. I lay on the
bed in my Fruit of the Looms with the white elastic and the fine blue stripe; as the pressing got stronger and stronger, I felt
myself gain consciousness from a deep sleep gasping for air. As I opened my eyes I could feel a final thrust and a warm
liquid substance land on my back. The room was cooled by the gentle wind blowing past the sound of fluttering curtains
hanging from the open window near the bed.
There were arms above my shoulders and the smell of sweat wafting past my face turned to the side, as I lay there still and
stiff. Oh so gently did a soft fabric wipe the warm liquid off my back and I see a cotton T-shirt drop out of a hand on to the floor
beside the bed. The activity caused my body to tremble for I did not understand what was happening. The lace curtained
French doors of the den were open before me as I lifted my head. A radio advertisement for Bold laundry detergent came from
another room in the apartment and faded as a figure disappeared through the doors taking my innocence with it.
As I pushed upwards on my hands, I saw a Miller High Life sign displayed across the top shelf above the French doors. In
front of the sign was an old rotating ironing machine. I rose from the single bed and moved closer to the doors, slowly turning
the knob of the French door and entering the living room, afraid of what might be in the next room. The figure was not there and
as I passed through the living room and entered the hallway, the memory ends.
This is the earliest memory I have of it. My desire to know about the event was developing, but I did not know at the time
what it all meant. When I recall the memory I feel like I am dreaming. Remembering my childhood physically puts me in a
dream state, a condition therapists call dissociation. Sometimes the memories are triggered by the least little thing and return
to me in a flash when I least expect them. When they do, it feels like a revelation that helps me understand my life…
Copyright © 2004 by Bernard Amador, MA, ABD. All rights reserved.
To Know A Fallen Angel: Understanding the Mind of a Sexual Predator
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Synopsis:
In this chronology of sexual secrecy, Amador recounts the life of Michael, a child who
grows up in the heart of the poverty-stricken South Bronx in an apartment filled with sexual
abuse and incest fueled by alcoholism and domestic violence. As the story unfolds, the
sexual abuse Michael experiences results in a misunderstanding between father and son
that separates them emotionally and leaves the boy with a desire to know what it would be
like to have a “normal” relationship with his father. It also leads to the development of sexual
predatory behavior in Michael.
The reader journeys along with Michael as he escapes from an abusive household by
using school as a refuge and as he manages to preserve a balanced morality until the abuse
becomes overwhelming and penetrates him physically and mentally. Readers too will find
themselves like Michael, trying to create a barrier in their minds between themselves and the
abuse he encounters but will stop short of Michael's mental breakdown.
In this chronology of sexual secrecy, Amador recounts the life of Michael, a child who
grows up in the heart of the poverty-stricken South Bronx in an apartment filled with sexual
abuse and incest fueled by alcoholism and domestic violence. As the story unfolds, the
sexual abuse Michael experiences results in a misunderstanding between father and son
that separates them emotionally and leaves the boy with a desire to know what it would be
like to have a “normal” relationship with his father. It also leads to the development of sexual
predatory behavior in Michael.
The reader journeys along with Michael as he escapes from an abusive household by
using school as a refuge and as he manages to preserve a balanced morality until the abuse
becomes overwhelming and penetrates him physically and mentally. Readers too will find
themselves like Michael, trying to create a barrier in their minds between themselves and the
abuse he encounters but will stop short of Michael's mental breakdown.
Through his character Michael, Amador launches his readers on a quest to understand Michael's abuser and his
developing self. Motivated by the desire to know the roots of his sexual abuse, Michael uses genealogical therapy to trace
the events of his youth. Along the way he discovers a typology of the sexual predator, and identifies different types of sexual
predators by classifying their methods, motivation and victimology.
By identifying the type of predator that abused him, Michael discovers how he himself developed predatory behaviors and
ultimately understands how the mind of one type of sexual predator functions. With the identification of the root source of his
abuse, the motivations behind it and the victimology, the specific type of sexual predator is caught in the nominological net.
By understanding what has prevented him from perpetuating the same abuse on others Michael discovers possible
treatment methods for the sexual predator, one of the most difficult criminals to treat. In the end Michael triumphs over his
abuse, the urge to perpetuate it, and reconciles with his father to develop a relationship that was once lost. A MUST READ!
developing self. Motivated by the desire to know the roots of his sexual abuse, Michael uses genealogical therapy to trace
the events of his youth. Along the way he discovers a typology of the sexual predator, and identifies different types of sexual
predators by classifying their methods, motivation and victimology.
By identifying the type of predator that abused him, Michael discovers how he himself developed predatory behaviors and
ultimately understands how the mind of one type of sexual predator functions. With the identification of the root source of his
abuse, the motivations behind it and the victimology, the specific type of sexual predator is caught in the nominological net.
By understanding what has prevented him from perpetuating the same abuse on others Michael discovers possible
treatment methods for the sexual predator, one of the most difficult criminals to treat. In the end Michael triumphs over his
abuse, the urge to perpetuate it, and reconciles with his father to develop a relationship that was once lost. A MUST READ!
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